Short summary - Gargantua and Pantagruel
The tale of the terrible life of the great Gargantua, father of Pantagruel, once composed by Master Alcofribas Nazier, the extractor of the quintessence. A book full of pantagruelism
Books one and two
Addressing the glorious drunkards and venerable venereses, the author invites them to have fun and have fun reading his book, and asks them not to forget to drink for him.
Father Gargantua was called Grangousier, this giant was a big joker, always drank to the bottom and loved to eat salty. He married Gargamella, and she, carrying the child in the womb for 11 months, overeat at the holiday with tripe and gave birth to a son-hero, who came out through her left ear. This is not surprising if you remember that Bacchus came out of the thigh of Jupiter, and Castor and Pollux - from the egg laid and hatched by Ice. The baby immediately yelled: “Lapple! Lacquer! " - to which Grangousier exclaimed: "Well, you have a hefty one!" ("Ke-gran-tu-ah!") - meaning the throat, and everyone decided that since this was the first word of the father at the birth of his son, then he should be called Gargantua. The baby was given a drink of wine and christened according to good Christian custom.
The child was very smart and when he was six years old, he already knew that the best wiping in the world was a fluffy goose. The boy was taught to read and write. His mentors were Tubal Holofernes, then Foolish, and then Ponocrates. Gargantua went to Paris to continue his education, where he liked the bells of the Cathedral of Our Lady; he took them home to hang around his mare's neck, and with difficulty he was persuaded to return them to their place. Ponocrates made sure that Gargantua did not waste time and was engaged with him even when Gargantua washed, went to the latrine and ate. Once the Lernaean bakers were bringing cakes to the city. The shepherds of Gargantua asked to sell them some of the cakes, but the bakers did not want to, then the shepherds took the cakes from them by force. The bakers complained to their king Pikrohol, and Pikrohol's army attacked the shepherds. Grangousier tried to settle the matter peacefully, but to no avail, so he called for Gargantua's help. On the way home, Gargantua and his friends destroyed an enemy castle on the banks of the Ved River, and for the rest of the way Gargantua combed out the kernels of the Picochol cannons that defended the castle from his hair.
When Gargantua arrived at his father's castle, a feast was held in his honor. Chefs Lick, Gnaw and Obsosi showed their skills, and the treat was so tasty that Gargantua, along with the salad, accidentally swallowed six pilgrims - luckily, they were stuck in his mouth, and he picked them out with a toothpick. Grangouzier spoke about his war with Picrochol and greatly praised his brother Jean the Jawbreaker, a monk who had won a victory in the defense of the monastery vineyard. Brother Jean turned out to be a cheerful drinking companion, and Gargantua immediately became friends with him. The valiant warriors have equipped themselves for the campaign. In the forest, they stumbled upon Picrohol's reconnaissance mission under the command of Count Ulepet. Brother Jean utterly defeated it and freed the pilgrims, whom the scouts managed to capture. Brother Jean captured the commander Picrocholov of Fanfaron's troops, but Grangusier let him go.Having returned to Picrochol, Fanfaron began to persuade the king to make peace with Grangusier, whom he now considered the most decent man in the world, and stabbed Bedokur, who called him a traitor, with a sword. For this, Picrochol ordered his archers to tear Fanfaron apart. Then Gargantua laid siege to Picrocholus at Laroche-Clermot and defeated his army. Picrochol himself managed to escape, and on the way the old sorceress guessed to him that he would become king again when the cancer whistled. They say that now he lives in Lyon and asks everyone whether to hear a cancer whistling somewhere - apparently, everyone hopes to return their kingdom. Gargantua was merciful to the defeated and generously endowed his comrades-in-arms. For his brother Jean, he built Thelem Abbey, unlike any other. Both men and women were allowed there - preferably young and beautiful. Brother Jean revoked the vows of chastity, poverty and obedience and declared that everyone has the right to be married, to be rich and to enjoy complete freedom. The Thelemites' charter consisted of a single rule: do what you want.
Pantagruel, the king of dipsodes, shown in his authentic form, with all his horrific deeds and exploits, the composition of the late Master Alcofribas, the extractor of the quintessence
At the age of five hundred and twenty-four years, Gargantua lived in a son with his wife Badbeck, daughter of the king of utopia. The baby was so huge that his mother died in childbirth. He was born during a great drought, therefore he received the name Pantagruel (“panta” in Greek means “everything”, and “gruel” in the Hagarian language means “thirsty”). Gargantua very much grieved over the death of his wife, but then decided: "We need to cry less and drink more!" He took up the upbringing of his son, who was so strong that he tore the bear apart while still lying in the cradle. When the boy grew up, his father sent him to study. On the way to Paris, Pantagruel met a limousine who spoke such a mixture of learned Latin and French that it was impossible to understand a word. However, when the angry Pantagruel grabbed him by the throat, the limousine screamed with fear in ordinary French, and then Pantagruel let him go. Arriving in Paris, Pantagruel decided to replenish his education and began to read books from the library of St. Victor, such as "The clicking of parish priests on the nose", "Permanent almanac for gout and venereal", etc. One day Pantagruel met while walking a tall man, beaten to the point of bruises. Pantagruel asked what adventures had brought the stranger to such a deplorable state, but he answered all questions in different languages, and Pantagruel could not understand anything. Only when the stranger finally spoke French did Pantagruel realize that his name was Panurge and he had arrived from Turkey, where he was in captivity. Pantagruel invited Panurge to visit and offered his friendship.
At this time, there was a litigation between Lijizad and Peivino, the case was so dark that the court "was as free to understand it as in the Old High German language." It was decided to seek help from Pantagruel, who became famous in public disputes. First of all, he ordered to destroy all the papers and forced the complainants to state the essence of the case orally. Having listened to their senseless speeches, he passed a fair sentence: the defendant must "deliver hay and tow for plugging guttural holes twisted by oysters passed through a sieve on wheels." Everyone was delighted with his wise decision, including both litigants, which is extremely rare. Panurge told Pantagruel how he was captured by the Turks. The Turks put him on a spit, stuffed with bacon like a rabbit, and began to fry him, but the roaster fell asleep, and Panurge, having contrived, threw a firebrand at him. A fire broke out, which set the whole city on fire, and Panurge happily escaped and even escaped from the dogs, throwing them pieces of bacon, which he was stuffed with.
great English scientist Thaumast arrived in Paris to see Pantagruel and put his learning to the test. He proposed to conduct the dispute as Pico della Mirandola intended to do in Rome - silently, by signs. Pantagruel agreed and spent the whole night preparing for the dispute, reading Bede, Proclus, Plotinus and other authors, but Panurge, seeing his excitement, suggested replacing him in the dispute. Introducing himself as a student of Pantagruel, Panurge answered the Englishman so dashingly - he took out a bull's rib or an orange from the codpiece, whistled, puffed, chattered with his teeth, made various tricks with his hands - that he easily defeated Taumast, who said that Pantagruel's glory is insufficient, because it does not correspond and a thousandth of what is in reality. Having received the news that Gargantua was carried away to the land of fairies, and that, having found out about this, the dipsodes crossed the border and devastated the utopia, Pantagruel urgently left Paris.
Together with his friends, he destroyed six hundred and sixty enemy knights, flooded the enemy camp with his urine, and then defeated the giants under the leadership of the Ghoul. In this battle, Pantagruel's mentor Epistemon died, but Panurge sewed his head back into place and revived him. Epistemon told that he was in hell, saw devils, talked with Lucifer and had a good snack. He saw Semiramis there, who caught lice from vagabonds, Pope Sixtus, who was treating a bad disease, and many others: all who in this world were important masters ek out a miserable and humiliating existence on that, and vice versa. Epistemon regretted that Panurge had brought him back to life so quickly, he wanted to stay longer in hell. Pantagruel entered the capital of the Amavrots, married their King Anarch to an old whore, and made him a green sauce salesman. When Pantagruel and his army stepped into the land of Dipsodes, the Dipsodes were delighted and hastened to surrender. Only the Almirodes became obstinate, and Pantagruel prepared for the offensive, but then it started raining, his soldiers were shaking from the cold, and Pantagruel covered his army with his tongue to protect it from the rain. The narrator of these true stories hid under a large burdock, and from there went through the tongue and hit Pantagruel right in the mouth, where he spent more than six months, and when he left, he told Pantagruel that all this time he ate and drank the same as he, “taking duty from the tidbits that passed through his throat. "
The third book of the heroic deeds and sayings of the good Pantagruel, the work of the master François Rabelais, doctor of medicine
After conquering Dipsodia, Pantagruel moved a colony of Utopians there in order to revive, decorate and populate this land, as well as instill in the Dipsods a sense of duty and the habit of obedience. He granted Panurge the castle of Ragu, which gave at least 6789106789 reais of annual income, and often more, but Panurge spent all his income for three years in advance in two weeks, and not on any trifles, but exclusively on drinking and feasting. He promised Pantagruel to pay all debts to the Greek calendars (that is, never), for life without debt is not life. Who, if not the lender, prays day and night for the health and longevity of the debtor. Panurge began to think about marriage and asked Pantagruel for advice. Pantagruel agreed with all his arguments: with those who are in favor of marriage, and those who are against, so the question remained open. They decided to tell fortunes according to Virgil and, opening the book at random, read what was written there, but interpreted the quote in completely different ways. The same thing happened when Panurge recounted his dream. According to Pantagruel, Panurge's dream, like Virgil, promised him to be horned, beaten and robbed, Panurge saw in him a prediction of a happy family life. Panurge turned to the Panzuy Sibyl, but they also understood the Sibyl's prophecy in different ways. The aged poet Kotanmordan, married to Syphilitia, wrote a poem full of contradictions: “Get married, don't get married. / <…> Take your time, but hurry up. / Run headlong, slow down. / Marry or not ”, etc. Neither Epistemon, nor the scholar Trippa, nor brother Jean the Zubodritel could resolve the doubts that were overwhelming Panurge, Pantagruel called on the advice of a theologian, doctor, judge and philosopher. The theologian and physician advised Panurge to marry if he wanted to, and about the horns, the theologian said that it would be as pleasing to God, and the healer said that horns are a natural addition to marriage. The philosopher, when asked whether to marry Panurge or not, answered: "Both that and another", and when Panurge asked him again: "Neither one nor the other." He gave such evasive answers to all questions that in the end Panurge exclaimed: “I give up ... I promise ... I give up. He is elusive. " Pantagruel went after Judge Bridua, and his friend Karpalim went after the jester Triboulet. Bridua was on trial at this time. He was charged with passing an unfair sentence with dice. Bridua, generously equipping his speech with Latin quotations, justified himself by the fact that he was already old and did not see well the number of points that had dropped out. Pantagruel made a speech in his defense, and a court presided over by Sueslovy acquitted Bridua. Pantagruel and Panurge, as usual, understood the enigmatic phrase of the jester Triboulet in different ways, but Panurge noticed that the jester had thrust him an empty bottle and offered to make a trip to the oracle of the Divine Bottle. Pantagruel, Panurge and their friends equipped the flotilla, loaded the ships with a fair amount of the miracle herb Pantagruelion and prepared to sail.
The ships went to sea. On the fifth day, they met a ship sailing from Lantern. On board were the French, and Panurge had a quarrel with a merchant called Turkey. To teach the bully merchant a lesson, Panurge for three Tours livres bought from him one ram from the herd of his choice; choosing a leader, Panurge threw him overboard. All the rams began to jump into the sea after the leader, the merchant tried to prevent them, and as a result, one of the rams took him into the water with him and the merchant drowned. In the Prosecutor's Office - in the land of prosecutors and snitches - the travelers were not offered either food or drink. The inhabitants of this country earned money for themselves to feed themselves in an outlandish way: they insulted some nobleman until he got out of patience and beat them - then they demanded a lot of money from him on pain of imprisonment.
Brother Jean asked who would like to receive twenty golden crowns for being devilishly beaten. There was no hang-up from those who wanted to, and the one who was lucky enough to receive a thrashing from his brother Jean became the object of universal envy. After a strong storm and a visit to the Macreon island, Pantagruel's ships passed by the Isle of Pitiful, where Postnik reigned, and sailed to the Wild Island, inhabited by Postnik's sworn enemies - fat Sausages. The sausages, who mistook Pantagruel and his friends for Fastnik's warriors, ambushed them. Pantagruel prepared for battle and appointed Sausage Cutter and Sausageroms to command the battle. Epistemon noted that the names of the generals inspire courage and confidence in victory. Brother Jean built a huge "pig" and hid a whole army of brave cooks in it, like a Trojan horse. The battle ended with the complete defeat of the Sausages and the appearance in the sky of their deity - a huge gray boar, who dropped to the ground twenty-seven barrels of mustard, which is a healing balm for Sausages.
Having visited the island of Ruach, the inhabitants of which did not eat or drink anything, except for the wind, Pantagruel and his companions landed on the island of Paphygians, enslaved by papomanes for the fact that one of its inhabitants showed a fig to a portrait of the Pope. In the chapel of this island, a man lay in the font, and three priests stood around and conjured devils. They said that this man is a plowman. Once he plowed a field and sowed it with spelled, but an imp came to the field and demanded his share. The plowman agreed to divide the harvest in half with him: the imp is what is under the ground, and to the peasant what is on top. When it came time to harvest, the plowman got the ears, and the imp got the straw. The next year, the imp chose the one on top, but the plowman sowed the turnip, and the imp was again left with a nose. Then the imp decided to scratch with the plowman on the condition that the loser loses his part of the field. But when the imp came to the plowman, his wife sobbed told him how the plowman scratched her with his little finger for training and tore it all up. As proof, she lifted her skirt and showed the wound between her legs, so the imp thought it best to get away. Leaving the island of Paphigov, the travelers arrived on the island of Papomanov, the inhabitants of which, having learned that they had seen the living pope, received them as dear guests and praised them for a long time the sacred decrees issued by the pope. Having sailed from the island of the papomanes, Pantagruel and his companions heard voices, horse neighing and other sounds, but no matter how much they looked around, they did not see anyone. The pilot explained to them that on the border of the Arctic Sea, where they sailed, a battle had taken place last winter. The words and shouts, the clanging of weapons and the neighing of horses froze in the air, and now, when the winter has passed, they thawed and became audible. Pantagruel threw handfuls of colorful words onto the deck, among which there were even curses. Soon the Pantagruel flotilla arrived on the island ruled by the almighty Messer Gaster. The inhabitants of the island sacrificed to their god all kinds of food, from bread to artichokes. Pantagruel discovered that none other than Gaster invented all the arts and sciences: agriculture - to grow grain, martial arts and weapons - to protect grain, medicine, astrology and mathematics - to store grain. When the travelers sailed past the island of thieves and robbers, Panurge hid in the hold, where he mistook Saloyed's fluffy cat for a devil and was stained with fear. Then he claimed that he was not in the least frightened and that he was such a good fellow against sheep, which the world had not seen.
Travelers sailed to the island of Zvonky, where they were allowed only after a four-day fast, which turned out to be terrible, because on the first day they fasted through a stump-deck, on the second - carelessly, on the third - as best they could, and on the fourth - how much in vain. На острове жили только птицы: клирцы, священцы, инокцы, епископцы, кардинцы и один палец. Они пели, когда слышали звон колокола. Посетив остров железных изделий и остров плутней, Пантагрюэль и его спутники прибыли на остров Застенок, населённый безобразными чудовищами — Пушистыми Котами, которые жили взятками, потребляя их в немереных количествах: к ним в гавань приходили целые корабли, гружённые взятками. Вырвавшись из лап злых котов, путешественники посетили ещё несколько островов и прибыли в гавань Матеотехнию, где их проводили во дворец королевы Квинтэссенции, которая не ела ничего, кроме некоторых категорий, абстракций, вторичных интенций, антитез и т. п. Её прислужники доили козла и сливали молоко в решето, ловили сетями ветер, по одёжке протягивали ножки и занимались прочими полезными делами. В конце путешествия Пантагрюэль и его друзья прибыли в Фонарию и высадились на острове, где находился оракул Бутылки. Фонарь проводил их в храм, где их провели к принцессе Бакбук — придворной даме Бутылки и верховной жрице при всех ее священнодействиях. Вход в храм Бутылки напомнил автору повествования разрисованный погребок в его родном городе Шиноне, где бывал и Пантагрюэль. В храме они увидели диковинный фонтан с колоннами и изваяниями. Струившаяся из него влага показалась путешественникам холодной ключевой водой, но после сытной закуски, принесённой для того, чтобы прочистить гостям нёбо, напиток показался каждому из них именно тем вином, которое он любил больше всего. После этого Бакбук спросила, кто хочет услышать слово Божественной Бутылки. Узнав, что это Панург, она увела его в круглую часовню, где в алебастровом фонтане лежала наполовину погруженная в воду Бутылка. Когда Панург пал на колени и пропел ритуальную песню виноградарей, Бакбук что-то бросила в фонтан, отчего в Бутылке послышался шум и раздалось слово: “Тринк”. Бакбук достала книгу в серебряном переплёте, оказавшуюся бутылкой фалернского вина, и велела Панургу осушить ее единым духом, ибо слово “тринк” означало “пей”. На прощание Бакбук вручила Пантагрюэлю письмо к Гаргантюа, и путешественники отправились в обратный путь.